Beneath all the hardened complaint we hear in our heads is the softened desire we feel in our bodies. Beneath all hurt and fragility is powerful, resilient energy. When our savior archetype is activated, we may “stroke” to “save” the strokee, to make her more comfortable, to collude with her by agreeing there is a problem while perhaps even adding to the intensity of it. We fail to penetrate the delusion, because in truth she herself has not penetrated the delusion.
When we are living in a mindset of lack, perpetual opposition, or a state of defense, we cannot help anyone. We have nothing to give away. The only way to heal another person is to be seated in our own perfection: we can see the perfection beneath the perceived problem, the resilience in the person we are working with, and the truth that the only thing to do is connect and allow what is stuck to flow.
Saviors seek to fix, using resolution or fixity, when in fact the solution is the exact opposite. The solution is to open space for the dynamic process, shifting from the fixed perspective on a problem to the dynamic perspective regarding an obstacle in the play of life. When we come together with another person to agree that a problem exists and that one of us has been wronged somehow, we each fasten that perception in place, which does a disservice to both of us. We may get the temporary reward the tumescent mind offers, but it comes at a great price.
A good friend, rather than offering comfort, the collusion that exists in the dualistic world of blame, and resources for us to stay in our suffering, instead offers their attention as fuel as well as a reflection of the truth of our perfection. We can stroke somebody in a conversation, much like we can stroke somebody in Orgasmic Meditation—by asking them a question or sharing an observation. When we ask a question without any agenda, with the intent only to discover what is most true for the other, we experience genuine intimacy.
We can likewise respond to a question with reception, or we can obscure, reject, and refuse to look where the question lands inside of us. When we stroke in an OM—Orgasmic Meditation with an agenda or a particular outcome in mind, we can expect a loss of intimacy. If we speak to someone with a certain intent, we will experience that same disconnection. Every conversation can be thought of in terms of an OM, dynamically shifting, depending on the skill and Erotic development of each partner.
These principles Eros follows can be applied in conversation between friends—using the same terms of stroker and strokee—as well as abstracted down to the Orgasmic Meditation experience. Attention Rather Than Pressure: In Orgasmic Meditation, we say, don’t push for an outcome, such as climax, an epiphany, or a resolution. Instead, apply attention and see what wants to arise, recognizing the “problem” is a result of fixity, and represents a lack of flow in the system that has a person stuck.
We can do the same in a conversation, seeking the spot of connection and flow in simple ways such as by saying, “I notice when I put my attention on you, I feel X. Is that how you feel?” Attention can reactivate the flow, moving us into whatever dimensions a person wants to go through, whether that be anger, sadness, or confusion. Rather than trying to solve a problem, we can add our attention until it is loosened.
To add attention, we simply name the feeling that arises for us. “Do you feel angry?” “Do you feel sad?” If we cannot track a feeling, we can say, “What are you feeling?” We focus on the very moment, without any attention on the future, in the same way we focus on a stroke in Orgasmic Meditation. What we discover is that when we are able to fully feel the experience we are having right now, an entire world of wisdom and solutions reveals itself.
When the other person is expressing what they feel and the expression feels true, we keep stroking with a verbal bread-and-butter stroke, simply saying, “Tell me more,” to increase the flow. In Orgasmic Meditation—OM, when we are the stroker, we increase our attention by drawing it farther down into our body, asking ourselves, “What am I feeling in my belly? What am I feeling in my legs? What temperature do I feel under my finger?” We continue to increase our attention on the spot and on the sensation in our body, while using a lighter stroke on the clitoris.
Nothing Extra: The tumescent mind has a tendency to collect problems like Velcro. While we aim to be a healing force of connection, we may get lost in sleight of hand, distractions, or panic. In Orgasmic Meditation, the focus is always on the point of connection; there may be a whole variety of movements, irritations, or sounds, but the focus remains on the point of contact.
As we work on this in conversation, first and foremost we sense what will initiate a connection. Will the connection involve sending an offering of warmth, or a receptive quality of listening? Will it be a firm pressure that calms, or a light pressure that affirms? We are not trying to solve a problem, we are trying to find connection; the issue is always tumescence and the solution is always connection.
Instead of allowing our attention to be dragged out by a focus on content, we focus on the connection that, when activated, turns the lights on for the other person. Then they discover either there is no problem or the solution has been revealed and the power to carry out the solution has been activated. All healing happens from this place. Words are an overlay that comes as the outgrowth of Erotic connection.
It’s vital to recognize when we have this power to offer and when we don’t; if we are not turned on, we aren’t in a position to be a healing force for another. Tumescence loves to scratch an itch by “fixing.” Tumescence will go in search of other people’s problems to scratch that itch—it will even dig for a problem. This isn’t a position of power. A powered position is one where connection feels good. There is no direction it has to go in, and we feel spacious.
Take Responsibility: Eros expands and includes. How we choose to respond to the unfamiliar defines our boundaries and the boundaries of our Erotic range. When we choose to expand and include the unfamiliar, whether it is a sudden surprising desire or the unexpressed anger of a loved one, we are challenged and privileged to reach beyond ourselves.
We are called to respond from wisdom beyond our experience. Naturally, fear and scarcity may arise, and even this is an opportunity to expand and include. As we do so, we grow more into who we are, beyond our preconstructed identity, and beyond our individual conception of who we are. We cannot persuade another person to expand their range with us as we talk to them, but we can do everything in our power to set the conditions to facilitate that they can more easily choose.
We will be able to feel where their consciousness is grooved to reject instead. If they continue to do so, we can stop the conversation. If we are feeling irritated or frustrated with the conversation, we can and should bow out. Otherwise we may try to override our felt sense in order to get an outcome from them, likely using pressure.
The ins and outs of our own triggers are crucial to know. The tumescent state is like a heat-seeking missile whose aim is to get us on its ride, subtly trying to activate our reactivity to bring us under its sway. If we are triggered, rather than trying to work it out in the background of our mind, we can say aloud, “I got triggered.” This sounds deceptively simple because people often assume the stro- ker position is “doing to” another, and is hence invulnerable and impen- etrable. In fact it is the opposite; the stroker position is deeply connected. If we become triggered, we are sending that into the other person’s state under the radar, where the communication is actually happening. Our vulnerability is our power as a conduit of healing.
Our stoicism is the insensitivity that will have us stroke for a result. The strokee will try to use rational mind tricks, such as referencing an authority or professional who backs their opinion, remarking that other people believe similarly, or stating that science proves what they are saying. They may try to hide behind vague opinions from a third party.
If the strokee is unhappy and perceives a problem, the tumescent mind has taken over. We have the option of stopping the process, and in this case we must also be careful we don’t fall into a problem-oriented mentality. This kind of mentality looks like believing we are at the mercy of the situation, that we don’t have the option of turning on to where we are, and that we don’t have the option to leave.
In Orgasmic Meditation, when we are the stroker, our focus is completely on the most turned-on spot. If our mind drifts away from this spot, when we notice it we can say, “Checked out.” Speaking our present state aloud is a way to bring ourselves back to the present moment. We begin to notice what has our attention moves away from the spot, such as our partner’s noise or lack of it, her turn-on or lack of it, or her requests and adjustments.
Peak: We may get stuck in a circle where someone wants to keep running over the same content and doesn’t want to open into something new. In that space, we can feel their grip. An urgency may arise on our part to do more. Instead, take a break. Allow the strokee’s desire to build again. Simply say, “It sounds like you are happy where you are.”
When someone pushes against us in conversation, or we sense the sensation is decreasing, we must remember the volition of every person. We are all where we want to be, and we can lift our attention from the conversation. Over-stroking—doing more work than the other person— creates a dependency. They have the solution within them; we are merely stroking for it to rise to the surface, not to insert our own.
Penetrate the Energy: In a conversation, if the strokee is in the spinning form of tumescence where they can’t cohere their thoughts properly and may be acting erratically, it’s our purview (if we have permission) to penetrate the tumescence. Truth is the verbal form of Eros, so we state the unfiltered truth of how we are experiencing this person—not what they should do, but how we feel in their presence.
Secure Our Part of the Feedback Loop: Just as a strokee in Orgasmic Meditation secures her pelvis to ensure she does not “lift off ” and only go on the stroker’s ride, the stroker should remain centered in themselves. In a conversation, we take in the experience of another and allow it to flow through us without going over into their experience. We maintain a perfect, resonant, and dynamic tension.
Maintain Openness: If we focus on anything other than the connection between our partner and ourself, a connection which allows us to stroke for greater truth and realization, we may try to direct the strokee’s experience toward our own preferences, thereby shutting off their experience. We may wind up having a radically different experience from our partner.
Attraction: We may feel disturbed by the unambiguous nature of Eros, which operates with clear lines of attraction or repulsion. If we are not feeling a true attraction to stay in the conversation, we should immediately stop. We are not obligated to force any kind of connection in order to be a good person; if anything, we are required to stop so as to not over-stroke.
At the same time, if we are energetically called, we must answer—even if, to the rational mind, this looks like a burden. We aren’t answering to idea-based rules, but to attraction and repulsion, both of which are cut and dried. The action may look the same, but the source is entirely different. We take care not to block or cut another person’s tumescent mind.
It’s important to remember that the body and mind want to heal. Healing is contagious: we can have so much Eros that others catch it. But tumescence is also contagious. It’s vital to know our mind and where we might get hooked into another’s tumescent story. Do we fancy ourselves the only one who can help people when no one else will?
In Orgasmic Meditation, there is no force. As the stroker, our only aim is to feel whatever is present in this moment, using value-neutral attention. Is connection present here? Are we on the spot? Is there turn-on? We stroke to find resonance with what is. As the strokee, we need to be present with what we are feeling in our body. There’s no reason to block, make ourselves bigger, or hide during Orgasmic Meditation. When the finger is on the spot, allow it to be felt. When it isn’t, simply be with it.