Problems have a density that gratitude does not, and yet undischarged gratitude can present with a density that confuses the mind. This is the experience of being full, and it can be difficult to track. It is helpful to look at irritation, a residue of resentment, a pushing away from people or environments, or a sense of being bloated or distant from our emotional body.
We may not be able to settle in and relax so we start racing. We do this because we are sitting on top of layers of unexpressed gratitude. There is a feeling of exile from the body until it requires heavier pressure in order to reenter. We need bigger problems in order to feel.
Gratitude remains undischarged when we experience something positive we assume would take us out of control, or make us vulnerable or feel undefended if we expressed it. In the commerce-based material world, to communicate our gratitude is to say, “I owe you one.” Thus, we withhold the communication as a means of not signing the contract to pay back.
We also withhold as a means of maintaining a one-up position. Most confounding is that we may feel the most resistance to the person we owe the most gratitude. Being in their presence is a reminder of our debt, and because we do not want to face that, we focus on their flaws as a way of justifying our unpaid debt.
We may try a whole variety of ways around the spot of vulnerability that would be required, from seduction to flattery to under-the-table actions for payback. If that does not discharge the energy, we switch over to developing a case for why they are wrong. However, gratitude—like all things in Eros—has a precision spot and will not allow for release in any way other than to target that spot.
The place we least want to be—on our knees with gratitude—is where Eros wants us. It doesn’t want us there in shame or to dominate us, but because that is where we are in a state of humility open enough to feel the subtle beauty of life again.
Gratitude is so powerful, consciousness will lock it out once it reaches its capacity. We tense up rather than open. To open our systems fully to receive an experience would change us in such a profound, irreversible way that it often freezes us, locking in any undigested material. The experience may still play in our nervous system but not in our consciousness. Positive experience can thus become the source of classic trauma—a value neutral congestion. This energy in the nervous system is locked down until it cannot freely flow.
When this locking down happens, it dysregulates the nervous system, and as a result, the emotions. It is especially important to note this as we enter the abundance of Eros. Most people have little capacity to receive the abundant good that comes with Eros, and the gift becomes a detriment when not handled with great care. The uninitiated attention has no idea of the limitations of its capacity and will continue to consume more than it can digest.
Digestion is the expression of acknowledgment and gratitude first by receiving it into oneself, and then through word and action, bringing into awareness the digestive tract of experience. It may seem counterintuitive, but our awe and gratitude are far more humbling than our perceived deficits. We have habituated to our perceived flaws; in fact, when we grow out of them, we may continue to revisit them in our minds as a way to maintain a balanced internal ecosystem.
Gratitude leaves us exposed. If we then add in digestion—which involves admitting to ourselves that something happened beyond what we alone could have created, gratitude not only reveals but removes layers. The tumescent mind often tries to conceal its motives and hide the fact that it believes itself to be inherently bad. It is consistently scrambling to cover up through misdirects, covert agendas, and even positive actions like service and production.
It is a one-trick pony for the most part, and it uses consumption for every circumstance. Consuming either overtly through acquisition, or covertly through restriction, where an identity of martyr or of deprivation is developed that justifies drawing in attention from others. We can manufacture problems in an effort to explain the discomfort we are feeling. What has actually occurred is that our minds are backed up, and as a result, stagnant. In that stagnation, what was fresh and good—gratitude—goes bad. What would have cleared and opened things—had it been expressed in the moment—is now the cause of a clog.