The feeling of hiding from attention was imposed on me as a child but later became a habit and tactic to escape from uncomfortable situations, which, in turn, impeded my connection with others. My last name fell at the end of the alphabet, so I spent many years of my childhood sitting in the back of the classroom because our classrooms were arranged alphabetically. Sitting at the back of the room made it easy not to pay attention, and I often played games with other students in the back. Once, a teacher called on me, and I sat there without saying anything because I didn't know what was happening. In the silence, I wanted to hide.
Hiding became second nature. I tried to blend in wherever I went, but sometimes, my quietness stood out and made things more awkward. In college, I would be in social settings with others and found myself just waiting for a chance to talk. Everyone would be engaging, and I would wait for the moment I could insert myself. When I finally did, the conversation would stop, there would be an awkward pause, and someone would change the topic. I felt like I didn't belong. I knew that people weren't intentionally excluding me. My personality didn't seem to let me flow with a group. I wanted to change, but I didn't know how.
After college, I had a contract job where I sat in a cubicle all day coding software, mostly by myself. I spoke with people to finish the work, but there weren't personal interactions, especially since I wasn't a regular company employee. When my contract ended, I was alone with no coworkers or friends.
I looked around at MeetUp for events to attend and found a group that talked about Orgasmic Meditation. I didn't know exactly what it was, but I was intrigued and decided to attend. When I got to the event, everyone was casually dressed. It wasn't at a bar where people were drinking and trying to hit on each other. They were talking about themselves. At the event, I felt free of expectations, as though I could say whatever I wanted and express myself. I later decided to try the OM practice. In my first OM, I was nervous. I tried remembering the steps and was so worried about doing it right that I felt nothing in my body. I kept practicing, though, because I wanted to get better and also to have something to talk about at the gatherings. I had heard about the changes that other people experienced and wanted to see them for myself.
I started OMing twice a week and felt sensations in my body over time. In one session, I felt something crawling up my spine from the base to my neck, and my body tingled. I was discovering something in OM that I hadn't experienced anywhere else. It opened me up to continue exploring other spiritual practices and meditations that could be transformational.
After a period of OMing, I learned to stay steady while emotions washed over me and was able to focus my attention on being present in an OM. I was able to sense the change of energy in the OM and could feel that some information was being passed from the clitoris to my fingertip. I adjusted my stroking accordingly to maintain the resonant stroke from that bit of change in the sensation. If some slight adjustment didn't work, I would make other adjustments until I reached where the connection felt right. Often, I knew what to do without asking. Other times, my partner would adjust me a little to the left or right, and that adjustment would make everything flow.
I was surprised by how such a tiny adjustment, even just a millimeter, could make a massive difference in the flow and the connection. It turned out that little adjustments could make a big difference. I soon began to translate what I was experiencing in OM into my everyday life. For instance, how I stood in a room could change the room's energy with other people. I became a better observer as I was more in tune with what was happening around me. I can interpret body postures and subtle facial expressions in conversations with people. I can pick up their feelings and adjust my conversation to keep the flow going when I talk to people.
Through OM, I became more connected and aware of myself, which allowed me to interact more intimately with others. When I'm alone, I no longer feel lonely. I'm more comfortable with myself and appreciate my solitude. Now, I meditate regularly and can pay close attention to the sensations in my body, as I learned to do in OM.
