My biggest dating challenge used to be a lack of communication skills. Plus, I worked quite a lot in the music and entertainment field and was always busy. Before I was introduced to Orgasmic Meditation (OM), my longest relationship was probably three years. I've never married.
I’ve always been a people pleaser, always at the mercy of the others, worrying about how they were feeling, what they needed, what they were doing. And yet, at the same time, I didn’t know how to communicate my feelings effectively. As a result, I often got burned out. I hit bottom a couple of times with really demanding, overbearing relationships where my girlfriends asked a lot more than I could give. Imagine being nagged to communicate about your feelings when you don't know the words to put to your feelings or that it's even okay to put words to feelings or describe what's happening in your body in the first place.
I ended up in this frustrating pattern where I’d date somebody for a couple of years, and then BOOM, there’d be a big argument about feelings and commitment, and then it’d be over. For example, one girlfriend, Bettina, said she wanted more and had “done her time investing in the relationship” and asked what our future was. Where did I see us in one year, five years, ten years? And I just had a blank slate. I had a daily desire to go through life in a relationship with her. But I couldn’t formulate a future and wasn't able to project or envision that.
I was stuck in this immature mindset of being unable to communicate on a higher level and make that connection. I didn’t even want to be able to communicate because I was terrified of upsetting anyone. I was terrified of angering anyone and of having deep conversations about life, love, and expectations that most women want. I was also dealing with worthiness issues, never wanting to rock the boat or express myself because what if it was received badly? Then I would be shamed. I just wanted relationships to be groovy with a happy face that I could package up and put a bow on.
Through Orgasmic Meditation, I’ve realized that having frank, direct honesty with a partner can head those angry, frustrated feelings and equally angry conversations off at the past. I am now capable of finding words to describe my emotions—anger, fear, frustration, disillusionment, whatever I’m experiencing at the moment. For the first time, I'm free to really think about what I’m feeling and put a name to it.
Before my experience with Orgasmic Meditation, I had been craving something more, and the idea of healing through connection—which is so much of what OM is about—excited me. I didn't want to be the typical guy anymore, suffering through a relationship just to have sex once in a while. I wanted to be open to my woman completely and freely express herself. I didn’t realize that I would learn how to express myself in the process! Orgasmic Meditation was brand new and compelling. Creating the container translated into a safety sort of thing while doing this revolutionary act of unlocking human connection. I truly believed the whole world would be changed because of Orgasmic Meditation because everybody needs better relationships.
The practice was hard for me initially, mainly because I was not physically flexible, and the arm and hand positions were awkward. It was hard to get the right position. I wanted the experience to be great for my partner and didn’t want to be complaining about how uncomfortable I felt. Eventually, I realized that learning to get comfortable was just part of the process, like quieting my mind. And I discovered that speaking up to my partner, saying I needed to move or change position to ease my back pain, was welcomed. Whenever I spoke up, my partner said, “Of course, you can shift!”
The sharing of frames after each session helped because when talking about feelings and sensations during the OM session, I eventually learned how to put words to the feelings, pain, and frustrations that popped up. After starting Orgasmic Meditation, I could finally name sensations and talk about feelings, to be frank and direct rather than keeping everything inside. I learned that I could communicate with others and that women appreciate honesty.
My newfound ability to communicate is helping me in my current relationship. I can now remain calm, express my feelings, and be present. I can create a container for us to talk safely. Before, I would have steered clear of any disagreement with a woman. I would have just been like a deer in the headlights. But now I can walk into an hour’s conversation that’s going to be about some difficult things, like feelings and expectations and shortfalls, and not be so fearful. I’m capable of stating what I need, want, and expect. And that’s a whole new ballgame for me.
